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Time:01:14 pm
So I have to get this out somewhere and writing used to help me so might as well see if it still works. I know that I am making a mistake just by acting on pure logic and sensibility. I know that I shouldn't even be with this girl because it isnt fair to her that she thinks she has my heart and yet she really doesnt. Shes a great friend and I know that I can always count on her no matter what because she is so in love with me and I know she will always be. To me it is just easier to be with the safe bet, knowing that I will never get hurt than to take the chance on something real. I mean don't get me wrong, I do like her and I love her but not in the way that she loves me. Really the only reason that I am even doing this is because I know what a future with her will bring, theres no surprises or fears. I wonder if that makes me a terrible person, if I am just using her for her love. I have little doubt that I won't hurt her, I already have and I know it but I can't change who I am. I've tried to tell her that she deserves better but she is so persistent that I am the only one she wants. Even last week after I was with someone else and I told her, all she could say was that she loved me and she will work through all of this with me. You know I am very lucky to have her and a part of me wonders if I can grow to love her as she loves me.
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Subject:what do you do
Time:11:17 pm
what do you do when you can't talk to the one that you love and tell them how you really feel, how you really are hurting, knowing if you do they will just walk away and leave....
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Time:01:51 pm
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
 I once said that uncertainty is the worst thing in the world.  Fear can be overcome, anger and pain wll diminish with time, sadness fades away with each passing moment, but uncertainty stays with you forever.   For me there is no affirmation, no words to quite these feelings, no actions to take away the doubt.  There is a part of me that believes that this uncertainty is there as a warning.  If I truely am uncertain I should release myself and avoid these things that i question so deeply.  Yet even if I did there whould be that what if, that wonder.  I know that life is all about decisions and taking chances and not knowing which one to make is so overwhelming.  With each day as my feelings grow stronger my state of mind grows weaker.  I wonder if there is any strength left in me or has life depleated it all from my entirety. 
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Current Music:fuck you
Time:05:13 pm
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
so this is going to be my new life............im only going to chill with ian........thats it. everyone else can kiss my mother fucking ass. theres too much shit with everyone else.......taylor is a fucking insane bitch who thinks she gets everything she wants but hahaha............she doesnt. at least not when it comes to me. and now i have to fucking explain shit to becky that isnt even my fucking fault..........but shell still be pissed and i know that shes going to break up with me soon, but i want it to last as long as possible you know.......and this sure wont fucking help that. uhhhh lets see what else..............i guess nobody else pissed me off........well one person but i wont get into that here........but fuck it......ill do my own shit for now on and maybe for one fucking second ill be happy (although thats very doubtful). and my fuckning hand is all fucked up from work and i cant type for shit with only my left hand........so i guess im out.......ill go fucking smoke with ian or some shit.......or maybe ill just stay here and roast one. but fuck everyone
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Time:09:19 pm


You say you still love me but how could anyone believe you? You have said so many bad things about me. If you still love me you would have acted different when we broke up. You acted happy. You think i bitched at you alot well ashley you don't make the smartest choices. You should have knowned that things you were doing were bad like you said i am stupid so how would i know what is right and wrong? You said so your self you didn't know how to talk around me cause i am stupid that is why you want someone smarted then you. You hurt me so much ashley when poeple love eachother they don't hurt them. but with you thing are different. everything was fine between us but then you started hanging out with people then things changed you changed. Why can't you be the same person when you are some people you are always different. why? and i don't belive for one second that you are happy no matter how hard you try to fool people. I know i don't talk to you any more but i still think you are unhappy with what you are doing. Ashley belive it or not but talking does help you just got to find that one person who you can trust to talk to. then things will be better. Ashley I love you to but you have hurt me so much. you have hurt me in ways i didn't think someone could. you need help. it is okay to need help ever one needs help one time or another. Not everyone will judge you. but you have to leave that your self. bbye ~Rebecca~

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Current Music:techno
Time:07:53 pm
Current Mood:ecstaticecstatic
alright so i know that i havent upsat3ed in a quick minute.but a lot of shit has changed. i dont live with my psycho grandma because she straight attaked me. now i live at my homegirl kellys house4 which is cool. all we do is drink and smoke bud..lots of bud for that matter. but yeah lets see........oh me and my girlfried broke up a little while back. its all good though because now im not getting bitched at all the fucking time. now i know how to just kick back and chill like i used to do. anyway i gots to go.....but ill update more later......peace
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Time:12:12 pm
so i realized that i shouldnt be pissed off at becky and i shouldnt go out and so stupid shit that i know ill regret. ive dont a lot of fucked up shit to her and she never acted that way............i dont know i guess i just never really expected her to do anything. oh well.......as long as she doesnt descide she wants to be with someone else its not that big of a deal. although i dont want her to hang out with that fool......since she kissed him and all. but yeah........im going to go back outside to finish my yardwork.
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Time:09:14 pm
i am getting fucked up off my ass soon.......isnt it great. so let me tell you what brought this sudden urge to lose sobriety upon me. everthing was cool and what not then i find out that my girlfriend was chillin with her punk ass ex and they kissed(personally i dont think thats all that happen but thats what she told me). so i called up people to go fuck......yeah i know sounds kind of bad but when i get pissed the best thing to do for me is get fucked up and get laid. i dont know if ill do both of those things but im sure as hell going to get fuck up........i should have been already fucked up but david cant take the car until later.....i dont fuckin know......but i have to get off cuz im talking to this guy so peace
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Time:07:23 pm
Seashellnbches [6:57 PM]: hey
MasherMan03 [6:57 PM]: who's this
Seashellnbches [6:57 PM]: this is ashley
MasherMan03 [6:57 PM]: ashley who
Seashellnbches [6:57 PM]: james
MasherMan03 [6:57 PM]: my ex?
Seashellnbches [6:57 PM]: no.........
MasherMan03 [6:58 PM]: i don't know u
Seashellnbches [6:58 PM]: i know........
Seashellnbches [6:58 PM]: i was hoping that we could get to know each other a little better
MasherMan03 [6:58 PM]: why?
Seashellnbches [6:58 PM]: well.......truthfully i think your kind of hot
MasherMan03 [6:59 PM]: i am not
MasherMan03 [6:59 PM]: i'm a loser
Seashellnbches [6:59 PM]: why would you say that
MasherMan03 [6:59 PM]: cuz i am
Seashellnbches [6:59 PM]: thats awful
MasherMan03 [6:59 PM]: just don't get mixed up with me
Seashellnbches [6:59 PM]: why are you a loser
MasherMan03 [6:59 PM]: do u have a pic
Seashellnbches [7:00 PM]: no......my coputer is being a bitch and i cant send any out until i have it fixed
MasherMan03 [7:00 PM]: what do u look like
Seashellnbches [7:01 PM]: i have long blonde hair......blue eyes.....im 5'5........115 lbs
MasherMan03 [7:01 PM]: wow
MasherMan03 [7:02 PM]: do u do the wicca shit
MasherMan03 [7:02 PM]: or whatever it is that becky does
Seashellnbches [7:02 PM]: no...........
MasherMan03 [7:03 PM]: so ur normal?
Seashellnbches [7:03 PM]: yeah......i like to think so
MasherMan03 [7:03 PM]: what are u doin
MasherMan03 [7:04 PM]: like right now
Seashellnbches [7:04 PM]: right now im checkin to see where my cell phone is
MasherMan03 [7:04 PM]: are u doin anything after that
Seashellnbches [7:04 PM]: no
MasherMan03 [7:04 PM]: im gonna go for a drive and clear my head...wanna tag along and we can talk?
Seashellnbches [7:05 PM]: yeah that sounds great
MasherMan03 [7:05 PM]: seriously?
Seashellnbches [7:05 PM]: what kind of car do you drive
MasherMan03 [7:05 PM]: u wanna go?
Seashellnbches [7:05 PM]: yeah
Seashellnbches [7:05 PM]: why not
MasherMan03 [7:05 PM]: where do u live
Seashellnbches [7:06 PM]: i live over by the mall
MasherMan03 [7:06 PM]: chapel hills?
Seashellnbches [7:06 PM]: yeah
MasherMan03 [7:07 PM]: i do too
Seashellnbches [7:07 PM]: oh really
MasherMan03 [7:07 PM]: my heaters not hooked up so bring a jacket lol
Seashellnbches [7:07 PM]: lol.....ok i will
MasherMan03 [7:07 PM]: unless u wanna cuddle lol
MasherMan03 [7:08 PM]: becky won't show me ur pic
Seashellnbches [7:08 PM]: she doesnt have on of me
MasherMan03 [7:08 PM]: oh so she's just bein a bitch?
Seashellnbches [7:09 PM]: i dont know.........
MasherMan03 [7:09 PM]: u ready to go?
Seashellnbches [7:09 PM]: you have to give me like 10 min to fix my hair
MasherMan03 [7:09 PM]: tell me where to meet u
Seashellnbches [7:10 PM]: ummmm.....how about we meet at the food court in the mall, say in like 15
MasherMan03 [7:10 PM]: nah i don't like meeting in public i'm shy
MasherMan03 [7:10 PM]: lol
MasherMan03 [7:10 PM]: and i'm really bad at spotting people
Seashellnbches [7:11 PM]: ill meet you right by the down escalator.....at that table
MasherMan03 [7:11 PM]: no no no can't we just meet in the parking lot like u pull up to my car
Seashellnbches [7:11 PM]: ok
MasherMan03 [7:11 PM]: don't lead me on
Seashellnbches [7:11 PM]: i wouldnt
MasherMan03 [7:12 PM]: how old are u
Seashellnbches [7:12 PM]: im 18
MasherMan03 [7:12 PM]: whats ur cell number
Seashellnbches [7:12 PM]: ill be 19 in sept
Seashellnbches [7:12 PM]: 6716835
Seashellnbches [7:12 PM]: 761
MasherMan03 [7:12 PM]: huh?
Seashellnbches [7:13 PM]: 7616835
MasherMan03 [7:13 PM]: can i call u
Seashellnbches [7:13 PM]: yeah
MasherMan03 [7:13 PM]: right now
Seashellnbches [7:13 PM]: i have to go and get my phone but yeah
MasherMan03 [7:13 PM]: ok u call me as soon as u find it
Seashellnbches [7:14 PM]: ok....whats your number
MasherMan03 [7:14 PM]: 231-5308
MasherMan03 [7:14 PM]: i just put a new subwoofer box in my car
Seashellnbches [7:14 PM]: tight
MasherMan03 [7:15 PM]: becky said u won't go for me
Seashellnbches [7:15 PM]: why is that
MasherMan03 [7:15 PM]: cuz she's a bitch
MasherMan03 [7:15 PM]: she stood me up today
MasherMan03 [7:15 PM]: u know that
Seashellnbches [7:16 PM]: how do you know her...............did she
MasherMan03 [7:16 PM]: i've never met her face to face
MasherMan03 [7:16 PM]: and i'm glad
Seashellnbches [7:16 PM]: lol
MasherMan03 [7:16 PM]: u sound hot
Seashellnbches [7:16 PM]: oh well people tell me i am......but i let you descide
MasherMan03 [7:16 PM]: show me ur pic
MasherMan03 [7:16 PM]: please
Seashellnbches [7:17 PM]: i would if i could
MasherMan03 [7:17 PM]: do u have a FTJ account or anything
Seashellnbches [7:17 PM]: no
MasherMan03 [7:17 PM]: so this is totally blind
MasherMan03 [7:17 PM]: lol
Seashellnbches [7:17 PM]: lol......i promise youll like me
MasherMan03 [7:17 PM]: i'm scared
MasherMan03 [7:17 PM]: what if u don't like me
Seashellnbches [7:18 PM]: well i doubt that i wouldnt and even if i didnt then we could still hang out right
MasherMan03 [7:19 PM]: what if i wanna kiss u
MasherMan03 [7:19 PM]: :-(
Seashellnbches [7:19 PM]: then kiss me
MasherMan03 [7:19 PM]: for real?
Seashellnbches [7:19 PM]: i love it when i guy just takes control
MasherMan03 [7:19 PM]: im too shy
MasherMan03 [7:19 PM]: i'll prolly ask first
MasherMan03 [7:20 PM]: ur single right
Seashellnbches [7:20 PM]: no......its soo much hotter if you just do it
Seashellnbches [7:20 PM]: well not exactly
Seashellnbches [7:20 PM]: i have a girlfriend
Seashellnbches [7:20 PM]: i hope thats not a problem
MasherMan03 [7:20 PM]: what if i wanted to date u...would u dump her
Seashellnbches [7:20 PM]: you mean i couldnt be greedy
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: ok just call me
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: right now
Seashellnbches [7:21 PM]: ok......hold on a sec
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: becky called me a faget
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: lol
Seashellnbches [7:21 PM]: why
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: i blocked her
Seashellnbches [7:21 PM]: lol.......were you trying to get with her
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: yeah
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: cuz i'm a moron
MasherMan03 [7:21 PM]: call me

MasherMan03 [7:22 PM]: just call me
Seashellnbches [7:22 PM]: ok
MasherMan03 [7:22 PM]: im goin out to my car
MasherMan03 [7:22 PM]: so call me right now
MasherMan03 [7:22 PM]: lol
Seashellnbches [7:22 PM]: i have to find my phone
Auto response from MasherMan03 [7:22 PM]: around this house or city somewhere, call the cellie! 719-231-5308
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Current Music:korn
Time:10:29 pm
Current Mood:creativecreative
so i started writing this crazy ass story today and i think it sounds really good. i dont know what brought this need to write upon me.....but shit it cant hurt anything. but anyway ive really been thinking lately and ive come to a lot of conclusions. i know exactly what im going to do once i get out of jail and what not.....i know where im moving once im off parole.........i know what i want to do with my life and i finally have one of thoses 5 yr plan things. ive also descided that i really need to grow the fuck up. i need to act like my age because im not fucking 15 anymore. i think the only reason i even tried to be was because shit seemed so simpler and shit was sooo much better. but trying to live in the past isnt going to help me move forward. i need to get on with my life and do the shit that i need to. now i know that ive said all of this before........but most of the time i just didnt give a fuck. now i do.......i can see so much more clearly (and im not even sure why). i need to stop procrastinating (sorry for the spelling) and just do it. you know.......shut the fuck up and do what i gots to. i also descided i need to do things that will better myself......now what exactly im not sure, but im going to try some things and im sure that eventually i will figure it out. i guess thats about it......so well see how i do. but i can tell you that im tired of being this huge fuck up.....im tired of disappointing everyone around me, including myself........im fucking tired of everything. so shit is going to change and if i get off track i know that i have people that will snap me back on it. well my ass has to go get ready so im out.
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